He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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