so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
