Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
