You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
