I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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