then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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