I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
