a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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