I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
