The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
