Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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