Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
