I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
