Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
