Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There are leaves in my underwear?
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