i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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