Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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