New invention idea: vibrating tampons
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Randomize
