he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
