hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
