Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
