Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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