i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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