it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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