Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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