I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
