Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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