I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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