Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
All the doctor said was why
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
