remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
