I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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