My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
