3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
