Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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