I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
BRING THE BAGELS
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
