Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
