I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
