last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
