If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
