ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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