Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
