The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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