We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
