i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
