Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
