either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Randomize
