Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I love having hate sex.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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