i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
