dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
