this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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