We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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