just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
