Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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