Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
