I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
