i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
