I'm going to jail i love you
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
